Your Dad Jokes: The Best of the Worst

The twins are tweens now. Getting more than one word (grunt?) at a time out of them is rare — unless the Wi-Fi goes off, and we get long, passionate, rageful speeches about our unreliable cable provider and our poor IT skills. Which is why I love telling them Dad Jokes. The worse, the better. After all, any emotion — even pitty bordering on disdain — is better than no emotion. A deep eye roll and “Papa, that’s so lame! I can’t believe people think you’re funny!” will sustain me through these next few years. 

But I need new material. Which is why I reached out to you on my Instagram, asking for YOUR favorite Dad Jokes. More than 500 of you submitted some truly wonderfully awful stuff. I thank you all, and share the 10 best of the worst here. I’ll torture the kids with them and let you know how you did.

1. Two guys walk into a bar…you would have thought one of them would have seen it. -Matt Johnson
2. My son turned four today. I didn’t recognize him, I had never seen him be four. -Chad Evers
3. Do you know about the king who was 12 inches tall? He was a horrible king but he made a great ruler. -Janeen Dishman
4. Dad, can you tell me the difference between a grape and a raisin? No sun. -Karie Yost
5. Why do naval ships in Norway have barcodes on the sides? So when they get to port they can Scan-da-navy-in. -Elyssa King
6. Today this guy knocked on my door asking for donations for the local pool. So I went into the kitchen and gave him a glass of water. -Julia Resnick
7. What rhymes with orange? No, it doesn’t. -Cameron Swearingen
8. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. -Jean Paul Mosquera
9. You’ve heard of Pop Tarts, right? Why aren’t there any Mom Tarts? It’s because of the pastry-archy. -Danny Craven
10. Dad jokes are how eyeroll. -Kate Brennan